Hetalia crack
by AnencephalousWriter
Summary: Please don't read this. I'm warning you, don't read it. It's really stupid. Don't read it. Hey. HEY don't read it. If you read it the neeneepapocalypse will come that much sooner. Russia isn't scared of a frozen sausage or rainbow unidentified liquid. DONT! DONT! Don't read it. Okay I was gonna warn you more, but nah.
1. Chapter 1

One day in the universe of Hetalia, Canada was sitting on his bed reading copious amounts of Prucan fanfiction. He said to himself, very quietly.

"I feel rather hungry." So he got up, and slowly loped to the kitchen. Everything felt incredibly calm and drowsy, and his windows were caked with frost. He curled up in front of the crackling fire, holding a chai latte and reading more smut. Then suddenly, out of the fire came England. He was wearing a gothic robe and had pentagram drawn all over him. He looked up at Canada and said.

"America? Are you being quiet? Wait, wait, nope. That other guy. Maple moose or some shit."

"my name is not maple moose." Whispered Canada, guiltily hiding his Prucan smut.

"Yes yes, okay, I'm just here cause that BLOODY WANKER RUSSIA FUCKING PUSHED ME IN A FIRE! I don't know why, I think it was a joke or something. There's no way he actually wanted to kill me."

Canada agreed whole-heartedly. Then he tore off all his clothes and started doing the helicopter. France ran in and joined him whilst singing acoona matada.

"What the bloody hell is going on here?!" There heard some scuffling so Canada rolled into the kitchen. There they found Russia stealing a bunch of frozen sausages for classified reasons.

"Not again!" Canada shouted. France was wiggling his eyebrows and shouting so hard he died.

"hoh hoh whore hoh hoh hoh hoh." He said with his last breath. Then Switzerland came in, beating everyone but Canada with his peace prize. They all died of blood loss and Canada died of FOMO. Then Switzerland started fondling a seal called Ciel. Because reasons. Then h shat on his head and ate his face. Switzerland missed his face very badly. So he handed in his homework to mr slightly mucus covered cookie, and flew away on a mermaid rainbow dog-fish crustacean. When they had all left, Canada's house was filled glittery semen, shit, frozen sausages, corpses, Satan, and a seal happily munching away at all the faces of previously mentioned corpses. Japan walked in. He took one look. He shoved a finger up his vagina and walked away. He didn't want to me involved, he just wanted to steal the Prucan smut.

after this experience, they were dead so nothing happened. Canada's house was soon filled with zombies countries, strange white blobs, cats, and dwarf versions of all the 2ps. They made country pyramids to represent statistical information. For some reason beyond even my ultimate understanding, 2p Italy was fucking Jesus in a corner, and goats were humping the house. The goats humbled the house so hard it fell off if the floating island and into a place of rainbow piss, Russia's head was floating around drinking the rainbow piss, saying it tasted like vodka. All the dwarf 2ps swam around, having a massive orgy right there. 2p Romano and 1p Italy were raucously making out. Adjectives. Heh. Italy whispered to him.

"I wanna fuck you so hard your soul falls out through ur mouth, then my dick follows cause science."

2p Romano replied with.

"Nah." Then Richard Dawkins appeared because the author is hoping for people to hate on her in the comments. He didn't really do anything. He just waded around in the piss. Spouting sciencey things.

Becuase this station was much to normal they went to imaginationland with the powner of their imagination. When they got there that saw some boy lick another boys balls.

"What a wonderful idea!" Shouted America somehow not dead. But he wasn't the first to think that. Austria already had his sadist instruction manual and Japan was running away. After that, a series of events I do not wish to describe occurred, including but not limited to... Bondage, tentacles, roses, Chris Hansen, poop, ponies, candles, semen, crazy yanderes and strangely enough, the devising of a new secret handshake. That's just what happens when you eat ice cream unde bed covers making strange noises in the, 'making sexual noises and eating ice cream and not at all touching each their game.' Japan was happy. But he wanted to go back to his house and jack off to onision. He saw France's eyebrows running past, they had completely abandoned their master, because he worked them too hard. But not as hard as Japan was right now. After all, he was completely frozen so the surface of his skin was quite hard. Also he had a boner.

Then you come in and bash his face in, he is pleading for you too let him live but you resolutely smash him time after time. There is blood and pisspouring from his mouth and face and he is talking abut smutty manga and you kill him. You killed Japan. All the cats in the world shout at you and claw out you r eyes and now you are dead, suddenly aliens come and blow up the world and everyone except Russia dies because he is secretly and alien is disguise and was just a spy to see Howe very thing works here on earth and frozen sausages were actually batteries for his butt because aliens.

JOIN MOTHER RUSSIA

The end. You killed japan ( you bastardo)

authors note: hah, I don't think crack is my forte so much. If you read this because you read my Kuroshitsuji fan-fiction, and wanted to look at this. ( unlikely since I Have Like 2 followers on that's)

Well sorry that it is very different from that. But this is my crack self. Not that funny and kind of gross.

Review if you regret reading.


	2. Chapter 2

Because I didn't give you enough reason to question your sanity last time, I decided to continue this. It won't be updated very often. I really will only write in this whenever I'm bored af.

oh, and I didn't say this last time, but obviously I don't own Hetalia. But one day I will complete my world domination. Heh, world domination. Domination. Heh.

One day dance was rolling all over the laps of the countries, whining,

"Feeed mere! Ffeeeeeeeeeeeeed meeeee!" All over the countries got a BJ that day. It was awesome. Like the time Hungary grew a third breast and kept sexually harassing herself. Everyone was happy that day. Suddenly Japan walked in on this... Action of France and he was so scarred for life that he shat his pants, shoved a finger up his vagina and walked away. "The plan is going to plan." Said France thoughtfully. This was all an elaborate scheme that the author has yet to think of, but knows will be stupid. Italy was running away from France's advancements, he didn't know why the blonde slut was following him but it couldn't be good. Germany picked Italy up, and looked into his eyes. Then he kissed them and some white fireworks blew into the air. (The fireworks were courtesy of Italy) After kissing him, Germany put his mouth on Italy's head and ATE HIM? He slurped him up like cheap pasta. Italy cried out as he was going down his throat.

"THIS IS WHATA YOU MEANTA BY ME GOING INSIDE Of YOU? AGHHHHHH IM DROWNING IN A BEERA!"

"Yup." Then Prussia walked in.

"hellos to yous unawesome countries, it is me, the awesomeness of awesome, the awesome Prussia!"

"Have you never heard of a synonym."

"I hate cinnamon." Canada nodded along with this. And whispered.

"He does, he does. I suggested we use in in the foreplay but-"

"SHUT UP YOU UNAWESOME MAPLE MOOSE!"

Then as a result of France giving BJs and a lack of imagination on the author part, the bj god descended downwards. He looked at dance and he said.

"You gave the best BJs ever, better than satan, so now you get an award." The award was a golden fallic symbol. Japan then stole it from him because his finger just wasn't cutting it anymore. France nodded with thought going through his thoughts.

"the plan is going to plan." Once Japan had used the weird dildo he went over and said.

"I don't think that I want to rive on earth anymore. Because that dirdo was cord." It seemed the plan was going according to plan. He took off his eyebrow wig, and then his eyebrow bald cap. Under those things we find that... HE HAS EXTREMELY VERTICAL EYEBROWS!? I wonder why, I mean, considering the authors type of imagination, there's only one explanation... "Beam me up, scotty." Yup. That's it. Yes.

But that was not the end of the plan that was going to plan! France chuckled to himself.

"yes, yeeeeeees." Because Japan had so suddenly disappeared. His country all drowned. Lots and lots of people died, including many of your favourite anime characters! Ohhhhhhhhhhh noooooooooooo! In a search for Japan, England had used dark magic to attempt to find him. But the problem was, that dark magic made the golden dirdo explode. Everyone was shattered in an explosion of golden dust and Japan's menstrual blood. Everyone except France because he was being beamed up since he had stolen one of Japan's weird gadgets. Yeah. That, that happened. So France was beamed into the enterprise and once he had gotten there he kissed Kirk right away. What Kirk didn't know was that kissing France realised a specific neurotoxin and he died. Japan cried his heart out cause Kirk is his Bae. Like he literally metaphorically cried his wee heart out. Then France cut out kirks left lung. He jumped out of the enterprise breathing in and out of the lung cause logic. Since he was a country he didn't die in space. The author enjoys convenient PLOTLINES. Why did autocorrect make that go in capitals? Meh. Wow I'm bored of writing and this story is hit and mind vomit BKEEEEEEEEEERLGH. France somehow reappeared on earth and he went over to a case at the bottom of the ocean.

There was a large he hole, and after promptly fucking it, he shoved kirks lung into it. It opened up and inside there was...

the end.

authors note: wow that was stupid and not very funny. Idk. Bah. Why do people read this shit.


	3. Chapter 3

This is the most read fanfiction I have. That's sad.

One day Russia was performing open heart surgery. He had no idea what he was doing and lots of people died. It was very sad. In one of the patients, Austria jumped out of his lung, and kissed Russia on the cheek. Russia fucked a chicken that day. Austria called PETA and everything was okay, until Russia killed everyone trying to lock him up. Meanwhile in England...

"I JUST WANT SOME FUCKING BLOODY SCONES YOU WANKER-GIT! WHY IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?! The fucking charcoal fairy fucking fucked up my perfectly good scones the little fuck. Fuck." Sealand was staring open-mouthed at him. England finally noticed him.

"well fuck." Sealand shouted.

"IM BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!" At you, then he flutters away as quickly as shit escapes the anus of an old man on laxatives. England stuck a finger up his dickhole, shouting.

"Fuck what is my life fuck Fuck I want a faux hawk fuck me now America." America then fucked him because incest is Wincest and shit goes down. Then Germany comes along, with Italy in tow. China, Egypt, Brazil and Canada also show up. Then they have super yaoi fun time and Italy is so traumatised Romano kills all of them and and fucks their dead bodies. As he is fucking their dead bodies, Japan comes along and sees this necrophilic scene. He shoves a finger up his vagina and walks away. Japan can't handle SHIT. Russia's head is rolling around on the floor. It's covered in blood and guts and Romanos semen. Why am I writing this? Why are you reading this? Leave. Leave now.

Then doctor who comes along and he takes all their dead bodies and dumps them into a nearby star. The earth collapses into dust except for Japan, which by some of strange reality, is afloat in space and still functioning somehow. Pah, logic BIATCH! All the holes in Japan are being filled with his finger and then Grell flies along cause why the fuck not. I regret writing this. Grell and Japan have an argument I stole from another place and will give credit to in the end.

"What the fuck are you doing in mah country! You coming in here is trespassationingness-esque."

"just came here by accident, sweetheart."

"Bullshit! That's like you telling me that it was just an accident after fucking my mother. Would you fuck my mother?"

"first of all, that is very specific. Personal issue? Also, I would never fuck your mother, rest assured."

"YOURE SAYING MY MOTHER ISNT BEAUTIFUl ENOUGH FOR YOU TO FUCK?!"

"calm down dude, sure then, sure I would totally fuck your mother."

"what the hell man? Your saying you would fuck my mother? YOU BASTARD!"

"who ya calling man?"

FUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKK.

dear Japan. That was out of character. Bleu fook yuu tuu. I don't know what to write so bye little shitheads.

authors note: the argument was blatantly and unashamedly stolen from Tokyo ghoul abridged. IMA LITTLE FUCKPOT HERES MY SPOUT AND OHMAHFUCK POOP.


End file.
